Dracula: Bad-assery to its fullest

Holy Friggin' crap!

If that was a cereal, I'd buy it. But you bet your ass Dracula wouldn't, even if it is part of a complete breakfast. Plus, he doesn't like holy things; they remind him of his past as an underprivileged choir boy. It's really a melancholy story, but for the sake of being concise I shall summarize: once upon a time there was a Tranny (that's shorthand for Transylvanian for those that are uninformed) choir boy named Dracula that was good friends with a Priest at the nearby Cathedral. They were REALLY good friends. They would play Risk at each other's houses all the time, ritually followed by a quick round of Excitebike on the NES. Each time Dracula, or Tight Britches McGee as they called him in the religious community, would win and his Priest friend would get super pissed at Dracula and...must I elaborate? Yes? Ok I will! Yea, basically Dracula would keep dominating Excitebike until his friend the Priest would get uber angry and then punch a hole in his wall which was made of concrete, in turn storming out of Drac's Castle disparaged more so at his own ineptitude than the humble soon-to-be Prince of Darkness. No one was raped in the making of this nostalgic reminiscence.

There is one piece of advice I'd advice my reader's to take, don't be misled by the spin the media puts on vampires! They don't have bouts of anger, nor does their blood arbitrarily seep from their listless bodies, nor do they perform constant drunken fellatio with each other all the time, those are things that women do...not cold-hearted men like Dracula (please, no angry feminist emails).Dracula and his bloodlings are nothing like what you'd see on television shows such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which, to my chagrin, has NOTHING to do with undead metal bands) and contrary to public broadcasting propaganda, The Count does not sit around like a flaccid wiener counting pennies and sand dollars and shit. No, no, no, Dracula is not like that at all. First off, although it may seem that Dracula has a lot of time on his hands, him being immortal and all, he actually has a very hectic daily schedule filled to the brim with events ranging from opulent wine sampling to putt-putt golf to biomedical research to his mandatory daily orgy. Oh you didn't know about the orgies? Hell yes, you heard right. True badassery. Oh, I may have already mentioned this, but just for the record, Dracula is immortal. You don't see any games called Immortal Combat do you? He cannot be harmed, aside from a few hard to come by items like holy water, crosses, fine silverware, garlic, onions, mirrors, bibles, the sun, light in general, churches, and Jesus Figurines. Ok, so maybe that is kinda a long list, but think about the orgies, man! It's all worth it! Damn, I really wish I was a vampire right now.