Are you ready to feel UNCOMFORATBLY ENERGETIC? Then try some of the newest and most hip "supplement beverages" that are guaranteed to make your genitals more infertile than a pan of powdered eggs.

Max Velocity

This drink is so ENERGIZED it'll have you running around like a daycare-bred toddler on a sugar rush. The can even has a fucking cheetah on it, that's right, a goddamn CHEETAH, and I think we both know that cheetahs are FAST AS HELL. The gnawesomeness doesn't stop there; simply carrying a can of Max Velocity instantaneously creates an aura of douchebaggery and assholiosity that can only be trumped by the words "legit" and "dank". But nothing gets me wetter than the Max Velocity color scheme: the crimson reds that ominously forecast the shade of my urine after consumption and egg yolk yellow shaded text created in Microsoft Paint. So next time don't settle for your grandmother's energy drink, pick up max velocity and start your day off right.

Amp

It's soda, it's an energy drink, no...it's Pepsi's failed attempted to compete with Red Bull! I know what you're thinking right now, and it's "Oh Aryan, I just don't know what to do! I morally can't bring myself to drink energy drinks because of all its nasty contents, but I crave the taste of fermented 711 slurpees." Well dear readers, there IS an answer! Amp Energy sneakily places itself among Pepsi sodas in vending machines and hides so you can guiltlessly chug loads of taurine at the expense of your colon, but not your conscience. Amp is perfect for the casual energy drinker who enjoys a few jolts now and again, but for the experienced users Amp might be considered too much of a "pussy drink" compared to the usual 3 straight mocha shots laced with Red Bull, much like appletinis are inferior to tequila. As a drink after a delicious bean burrito, Amp might be the best choice, but as Shakespeare once said "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE"...or maybe that's Highlander...

Red Bull

Austria, once a nation plagued by jokes like "Austria-Hungary? More like HUNGRY AUSTRIA, AM I RIGHT?" now has become the distributer for the most successful source of advertised energy since cocaine. Riddled with fame and fortune the Red Bull corporation doesn't earn its title for nothing, at least you'd think. Red Bull-toting cronies somehow overlook the foul aftertaste of cow-urine after a sip of Bull, and continue to buy and buy the damn thing until finger twitching ensues. I will admit that Red Bull has some pretty amusing commercials and that the taste does remind me of my previous life as a bull milker (contrary to popular belief a bull milker's life a LONG and HARD one indeed), but they are just too god forsakenly expensive. To be honest, Red Bull is probably the best energy drink out there unless of course your taste buds have habituated and you need something stronger, in which case you should just start snorting coke. On the bright side sucking some guy's dick for crack is much more socially acceptable than doing it for Red Bull. My verdict? Do crank.